Night of May 15, 2020

I don't think of myself as an emotional person. I used to show my emotions more but I also cried a lot more which annoyed one of my teachers who I had from 1st-7th grade. I remember him making fun of me whenever I cried, which would only make me cry more. Eventually, it worked and I stopped crying but it has left the effect on me that I don't trust other people with knowing how I feel, and it's harder for me to express my emotions due to that little bit of trauma from when I was younger.

When E*** and I first met it was my sophomore year of high school and her freshman year. From then on we've bonded more and more up until recently when she told me that I was her best friend. I struggled for a while with that idea. After a month or so of her telling me that I began to say tell her that she was my best friend as well. Around that time is when all the stuff with C****** began to happen again, which I've covered in previous posts. And it felt like reinforcement of my subconscious thoughts that showing other my emotions, positive or negative was bad and would only lead to pain for me.

That storm passed and E*** said she moved on, but then the COVID pandemic break from school hit. As of now, she's only spoken to me twice in person over the past 2 months and spent a total of 20 minutes in phone calls or facetiming with me. It hurts me a lot to have someone call me their best friend and then nearly ghost me. It makes me feel like I should've kept to myself. This sucks