I miss not having friends

Everything is simpler when you don't have friends. I feel obligated to care about what other people think, even when I don't agree or care about what they think. I don't define a friend as someone I spend time with. Friendship to me is dependent on the quality of time I spend with someone and my enjoyment of that time. I was recently told by someone that they talked with E*** about how I think that I'm always right and how I talk down to people a lot. This is especially hurtful to me because E*** hasn't really been talking to me for the past few months. We have a conversation over text or Snapchat once or twice a week and we facetime maybe once a month. I feel like I'm the only one trying because our conversations only happen why I go out of my way to make them happen. It hurts me that she called me her best friend for months and then has proceeded to not try to stay in contact with me during the quarantine. Our views about the effectiveness of it are different, but she never even tried to get me to hang out with her.

I've stopped considering the people I ride bikes with as friends as well. They never stop telling me that I'm ugly or my car is stupid or I'm slow or my bike is ugly and not worth the cost or I don't know how to fix bikes. I've told them to stop numerous times when it gets out of hand but they always miraculously "don't hear me." Then if I call someone slow they get all butthurt and decide they're just not going to call me up to go ride. Not like I care that much though, the vast majority of my riding isn't even with them.

I don't think of anyone as a friend right now. Most of the people I know IRL are having more trouble picking up that I'm struggling than people who I Snapchat a few times a day. People say everyone's more mean online, but right now everyone online seems a whole lot nicer.

 I think this blog has taken the place of E*** since it's become harder and harder to get her to talk to me.

Send me a message when you read this,

Drew