Liar Liar Pants On Fire

March 4, 2020

I'm still anxious a lot. Right now I'm anxious that there is something wrong with my heart because I can always feel it beating. The subject of my anxiety will probably change in a few weeks, but right now this is all I think about. It's not helped by the fact that we're learning about mental disorders in AP Psych right now and all I seem to be able to do is find the things that I have in common with the anxiety disorders.

Today was pretty okay until I got home from school when my ex sent me a snapchat to me asking why I am such a liar. I don't know what she's talking about, but every time she's come into my life in the past year it's either been because she likes me again and wants me to like her back, or because she like's me again and is mad that I don't feel the same way back. In the time since we dated we've hung out a few times, but I think she expects me to always be there for her, no matter how she treats me. I used to always be there for her and always be supportive of her no matter what, but I've learned to try to cut toxicity out of my life whenever I can and a lot of the time her re-entering my life can be a symptom of a lot more anxiety on the way. I'm really worried that this person is going to create a ton of drama or stretch the truth or something in order to make people turn against me. In the past that is what they've tried to do before, and then once she thinks the people have turned against me she starts being nice to me again, showing that the only reason she was mean in the first place was to make me like her again or something like that. It's hard for me and it's scary. This will probably cause a lot of anxiety for me. I miss being free of anxiety and only having to deal with it in certain situations. Maybe times like these will return soon.

I admire Buddhists who try to treat everyone with kindness and love them for who they are. I try to incorporate these principles into my own life, but in the past I've found how hard it is which has built this respect for them in me.

I hope you're doing well, stay positive, live life, you may only get one.

Drew